He reminds me of my dad...

My dad is a great guy. I mean, come on, he's my dad. He's been by my side all the years. He protects me, cares for me. Loves me.

But I am not attracted to my dad.

He looks like my dad, he talks like my dad, he even wears the same glasses. I'm not sure what to think about it.

He picked me up and took me to dinner. I picked Mongolian BBQ. It's a good place for a first date. You find out interesting things about someone by what they put in their bowl. He had some intersting combinations. But he didn't fill it all the way up while I piled mine on. He eats the way he drives. Five miles under the speed limit. Then we went to the theater and watched Hoodwinked. Which was cute and funny. I enjoyed it. And so did he.

We had good wholesome conversation. Nothing weird, nothing out of the ordinary. We learned a few new things about each other. I need some friends in Boise so I can start having some parties. I need to start doing this the way we do taxes at my work.

The client calls for an appointment and we tell them to bring their stuff in a week in advance. We take their stuff, learn a little about them, enter in all of their data into the computer, and by the time they come in we have a good idea of where this all needs to go. We know what they are like. When they sit down with the preparer they can start talking finacial strategy.

See if we did something of the same thing with my dates then the whole first date thing might not be so weird. Do something casual, get them around lots of people go from one person to the next kind of getting a feel for them. Do this enough times and you can get a pretty good handle on who the guy is. Now, keep in mind you are giving EVERY guy in the room a chance, not just the ones you have the hots for.

So, I can data enter all of their info into my little brain I wouldn't have to worry about this getting to know you stuff and focus more on strategy.

I'm mostly kidding ;)

I am going to go on another date with him. He asked me what the possibility was for us doing this again. I said it was good, but I didn't give him any ideas of when. Hopefully he'll take the lead this time. I don't mind guiding someone, but I do like some kind of effort on their part.

I just don't know what to do about him looking and acting so much like my date. It's just weird. And to be honest I think it's going to be a while before I'm going to go on a date and not think about James. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to think about him. It just kind of pops into my head. But, Darin is nice. He's a gentleman. And I happy with getting to know him.

My mom talks to dogs, my first day of school, and the hot chocolate date!

I just want to give you a picture of what I look like when I'm on the computer. I would actually take a picture but I'm being really lazy tonight and truthfully you are lucky I'm even posting right now. I'm drugged up on NyQuil and will be hitting the hay very soon.

We have a very nice large computer chair. You've seen the type. Unsuspecting soon-to-be-hero walks into the big dark lair of evil nemesis. All is quiet...too quiet. Getting into the room was easy...too easy. The afore mentioned chair faces the beautiful clear blue sky viewed through bullet proof glass...wait a minute, we're ten stories up! Just when you think no one is around the chairs swivles around revealing-[insert evil foe here].
I always imagine Richard Simmons. *shudders* I can still here his evil voice, promising all of those people on the show weight lose when secretly behind the scenes he's forcing them to each chocolate doughnuts for evil purposes of his own. I mean seriously, those people never lost weight.

But I digres.

So that's the type of chair I'm sitting it. My legs are resting on top of the desk the keyboard against my knees. I look very kick backed and relaxed. My dad came down one time as I was sitting like this typing away at the computer and he said I was the only one he's ever seen do that. He said it in that, "I've missed seeing you do that. It's nice to have you back," sort of way that he does every once in a while like he's being reminded that I haven't been home for a while.

So I told my mom about Juju and how I talked to her that night she feel on the stairs. She also got a hold of the IM I had printed off from when we talked. It's the only time I ever printed off an IM of our conversations. I wanted it for when I acutally went up to Juju so I didn't forget anything. I just forgot to take it away so no one could read it. So my mom read it and she figured out that you were the friend I keep talking about that talks to animal.
The next day I came home from dinner and my mom says to me:
"So I was folding clothes on the bed watching some TV and Juju makes a little nest in the middle of the clean clothes. I cleared my mind and just thought to her, "I know you are tired and want to rest but could you please move some place else so I don't have to move you and disturb you later?"
My mom said split seconds later Juju got up and moved and very calming slept on a different part of the bed.
So my mom doesn't think we are crazy, but we told my dad and he thinks we are.

I've been sick for a while and I'm just getting worse. Last night was the worst night of my life. I got two hours of sleep and at 6:15 am I was out the door and heading for Boise wishing that today was not the first day of school. But I made it through ok and I'm going to be a very busy girl of the next few months. I have a lot of work a head of me. I'm excited. I like keeping busy and I'm going to be very very busy.

Last week I had a great time talking with this guy at an Institute activity. I've known him for a long time but we've never been very close. But last week we flirted our way into having a date this morning for hot chocolate just before choir. It was lots of fun. He's a a cute kid. He's a year older than me to the day as we share a birthday. We played on each others words and I made sure that he knew that though he may think he's incharge I have a few tricks up my sleeve. He has this thing with making me feel like he's got me right where he wants me. I blocked his verbal (innocent) traps so nicely even I was surprise. We read comics together and he has this thing about tickeling my knees. This kid is a huge flirt. He's nice and fun but not something I would look seriously into for a long while. So although I'm working on two hours of sleep I would say I had a pretty successful day!

Juju means luck

So when I came home from my mission we had two new additions to the family. Tweeker and Juju. Tweeker is another pomeranian that is my sister's dog but he loves my dad. Juju is a dachound and is my sisters boyfriends dog and is the cutest most adorable dog you have ever seen and I feel in love with her. She is in love with my mom but I come in at a close second. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. But even so, if my mom is anywhere in the house she would rather be with my mom.

So tonight when my mom is in our closed living room getting a massage by one of my friends (my friend is a pro and very good) I took it upon myself to have some bonding time with Juju. Juju is squirming to get free but usually after a while she will calm down and leave thought of my mom alone until she appears again. Well, the phone rang and I started walking around with a cordless phone while walking down our wooden stairs Juju desides to squirm again and I lost my grip on her.

Needless to say she had a bad fall and then procceded to slide down the stairs. She started crying and wouldn't stop. She sounded as if someone was trying to kill her. Physically she looks like she's fine. I felt horrible and now she won't come any where near me. I worked with her hoping she could know that I ment her no harm but as I was putting her down I scared her or something maybe hit a nerve that made her remember her hurt leg and she started crying again. So now she really won't go any where near me. I tried talking to her, but I don't know how to listen and I can only see her being afraid of me.
I feel like crap now.

My Date

You pretty much got the short and tall of it this morning but I'll start at the beginning and see how much I can remember.

I went over to his place about 7:00pm. We had planned earlier this morning to make dinner at his place and either go out to see a movie or stay in a watch what we have. But when I arrived I found out that Dallas was sick and he didn't want to disturb him from his sicky sleepiness so we decided to go out to eat and see if there were any shows playing that we would want to watch.

We went to the Macaroni Grill, a really good Italian restraunt. We enjoyed catching up with each other and all of the weirdness from before was gone. I can only figure that he was sick and tired so he wasn't up for talking much when I had talked to him before. So anyway we left the restraunt and drove around for a little bit trying to figure out what we were going to do. We tried the movies but nothing was playing that we both wanted to watch and we didn't want to go back home so we pulled into a parking lot and started talking. We actually stayed that way for a while. Just talking and enjoying each others company. I'll leave out all of the kissing stuff but there was lots of that, but I will share with you the things we talked about in between.

He kept asking me how I was doing. Always wanting to make sure I was happy. This was before we even started kissing. I'm not sure what prompts him to do so but when I talk about my life he says, "If there is anything that you need, anything that I can do for you please know that I am here for you." Is he just feeding me a line? I don't think so, and if he is, well, actions speak louder then words and I will soon find out. But I saw him as a missionary and I've seen him with his other friends. He treats people in general this way. Wanting them to know that he is there for them.

I mentioned to him that I've never had someone say those type of things to me. Now, thinking about it, I have had people say that but never a boy whom I've become close to. I asked him if he had always been like that. "Yes," he said, "but my mission taught me how to say those words."

We talked about some other random things eventually I asked him, "When you first kissed me, was it something spear of the moment or had you been thinking about it for a while?" He said he had been thinking about it for a while, but since a while could mean, hours or days, I asked, "How long is a while?"
Him: "A few days."
Me: Why did you kiss me?
Him: (long silent pause - honestly if this guy is feeding me lines then he is a very good actor) It's how I show affection. The time I've spent with you has ment a lot to me and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you.
Lets see what else did I ask him? I asked him what would be the most important thing he would want me to know about him.
Him: (long pause again) You know me as Elder Holstien and you know me as James Holstien. You pretty much know everything I would want you to know.
Me: Sure, but that doesn't mean there might be something I don't know.

What I was really trying to find out was what part of himself and his character means the most to him. What does he nurish and feed but also guard and protect.
The short answer to that question is friendship. His desire to have friends and be friends. We are two peas in a pod in that respect. He asked me the same question in return and I told him basically that the better my friends treat me the better I will treat them and in return the more loyal I will be. It's a pretty basic fundamental thing for everyone. We both realized that we want to share ourselves with each other, but we don't know how far we will be able to take it at this point. Right now it will just have to remain as friends.

Eventually I asked him where this was all going.
Him: That's something I've been struggling with.
Me: What exactly is the struggle?
Him: The distance for one thing.

There were a few other reasons but basically he feels like he needs to get on his feet before he can get into a relationship. But the basic reason I think is because we will be so far apart from each other.

The after math. We stayed out really really late. Eventualy my car died and we had to walk all the way to Dallas' place and now a couple of days later he is really sick. If I had known that would happen I wouldn't have stayed out so late. I shouldn't have done it anyway, and I get disapproving looks from everyone so there is no need to go into that. Anyway, that's pretty much it, or at least all that I want to talk about right now. I might have more details later but for now I'm going to enjoy my Satuday off by going shopping with my little sister.

Wanna Know a Secret?

My life is nearly perfect. I'm surrounded by family that supports me, I have a car just given to me, school just waiting for me, and a job that one day I will own. I saw the R.M. a couple days ago and I expected a movie that would be more like the Home Teachers. Comical and kind of slap-sticky. And it was to a point, but for some reasons all of the horrible things that poor guy went through hit close to home. I'm not saying those are the things I came home too, but their were a few disappointments.

I know it's just a movie but I noticed that the R.M. never complained about how horrible his homecoming was. He never said a word. The only outburst he had was when he found out the name of his ex's fiance. And that was more for comical reasons (the actors real name is Kirby) though it was out of character for him cause for the most part he silently took the abuse. I couldn't help but admire that quality and wished I had more of the same.

In comparison my homecoming wasn't nearly as horrible and I have few things to complain about and I make them known to everyone. I don't focus much on the fact that I have just about everything I need. I have a family that will do anything to make me happy. I could really abuse that privilage. It would be so easy. I could get anything I want from them because they love me so much. What more could you want from a mom and dad?

Any way, just feeling rather thoughtful right now.

Merry Christmas

A couple of weeks ago I got to watch to coolest movie in the world. The Chronicles of Narnia and I not only feel in love with the movie but I feel in love with the music. I told my family that of all the things I wanted for Christmas I wanted that soundtrack. And I got it!! My family has always been so good to me. So I'm listening to my new cd as I type.

I also got to talk to my little brother today!! Last night as I was sitting watching my mom play some games on the computer and talking with her about this that and the other my parents mentioned we would be talking to Nick tomorrow. The excitment that came over me knew no bounds. I was hoping all over the place getting so excited I could hardly contain myself. When the phone rang this morning I got to be the one to answer it. Nick and I both were overwhelmed and we could hardly believe we were talking to each other. It had been so long. He said it was so weird because I was gone when he left and that's how it felt it should be. I'm glad I didnt' have to wait any longer then I did to talk to him though, I miss him so much.

We had 20 people come over for Christmas dinner. It was actually very enjoyable. My grandparents got this grand idea that my uncle and mom should make up some how. My uncle is being oober resentful to my mom for reason I won't go into. But needless to say, my uncle needs to grow up. So though it was slightly stressful I got to enjoy the company of my family members that I actually get along with and love. We played Setters of Catan. One of my cousins who I'm pretty close too said, "I like Candyland." She's 22.

So for the most part Christmas was wonderful.

My dreams are coming true...

It's too weird. Here I am this return missionary who just wants to get her life back to normal and dreams she had months ago are starting to come true.

I think I've already told of the one that I had about three months ago. The Cow, who is best friends with a guy I dated almost three years ago, was my zone leader. The night before Presidents Interviews I had a dream about being home. I went to a night choir that I've always gone to before my mission. I was pretty involved in the whole choir thing at the Institute. Next thing I know I see The Cow, sitting in one of the seats. He's not singing he's just there hanging out. We exchanged pleasantries but that is has far as it went in my dream. Nothing else happened. This dreams didn't really surprise me because his best friend is also heavily involved in Institute Choir and I figured he'd be coming up to see this guy anyway since they are so close.

But it's one thing to have a dream like that, it's a whole nother for it to actually come true. And it did, two weeks after I returned home I go to choir and The Cow is there. It's just too bizarre.

But a little more unsettling is the dream I had at the beginning of my mission. I had this one in the MTC and it was about The Cow's best friend Mr. Masters (he just graduated with his master degree). Why I had a dream about him I don't know. It was random and for a while I thought it was just Satan trying to get me distracted. This dreams was not a very happy dream. In it I saw Mr. Master doing things with his life that was not in accordance with LDS standards and I was really worried about him in my dream. Eventually I decided to confront him about it and told him how worried I was about him. This was all in the dream. And he got really mad at me and told me to mind my own business and I vaguely remember him getting on my case for not dating him when he was ready. You know how you are having dreams and you notice the detail of the room you are in probably more so then you would in real life. Well, the place we were having the argument in was his kitchen, but it wasn't any kitchen I had ever seen before. When I left the mission he wasn't living in a house that had a kitchen like that. So again I figured it was just a random dream.
Until a couple days ago when I was leaving his house. See since I've been home he's been unusually nice to me, until I've hung out with his best friend The Cow. Now's he's acting weird towards me as usual and it's really starting to tick me off. I've been spending not a lot of time over at their new place but enough for it to be significant. The Cow keeps inviting me over. So as I was leaving my dream came back to me and I realized the kitchen they now have in their new house is the same one from my dream!
K- now I understand that this could mean nothing, but it just seems too weird to be a coincidence. I'm going to be carefull though and not bring it up to Mr. Masters. He's already got issues with me and won't talk to me about it. Which is totaly driving me crazy. This guy is a never ending source of frustration for me. It would all get solved if he would just get married but it hasn't happened yet.
So my dreams are coming true and I'm not sure what to do with it all.

My Little Brother

I miss my little brother sooo much I can hardly stand it. Last night I was supposed to email him because when he gets to email we are all asleep but I didn't and it makes me feel really bad because I remember how hard it was for me not to be able to hear from everyone. Hearing from Nick meant so much to me. I heard from him more often then I heard from anyone else. And now that I'm home I'm not as dedicated.
For Christmas we sent him this huge package from all of us. He got bags and bags of different kinds of jerky and some other odds and ends. Mom and dad were wondering what other kinds of things we should put in and the only thing that meant anything were pictures and letters. My family seems to think that if at least one of us writes a letter then it's all good and they are guilt free. Little do they know that the more we get the better. In their defense (and mine) we have never been great correspondents. We actually do much better if we just stay in the same city and preferably in the same house. Then we stay in awesome contact with each other :) So in past packages, my family thought it sufficient to send one card that had a little bit of something from everyone in it. I told them no way. For Christmas each one of us would write (or tape in the case of my dad who hates writing and will always send a tape. Which was wonderful) our own personal letter to Nick and we will send pictures. I'm in charge of the pictures. :) I don't carry my camera with me every where I go so I just got some stuff from my mission that I knew he hadn't seen yet and a few other pictures that I've posted on this web site. This blogg has saved me from sending a crappy letter to Nick. I just copied and pasted what I've put on here and Nick got a five page letter. :) Is that cheating, not really cause I was planning on telling him all of these things any way. My goal is to write him an actual letter every week in the mail and to post every week.
I mean come on he deserves it he's a missionary. And he's my brother, my best friend, and I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!!

The Embarrassment of Ignorance

My latest news is I now have my own door. I also saw Josiah (JT) Walker. This guy was my first dance. The first guy to ever hold my waist and sway back and forth with me when I was 14 years old and a mutual Halloween dance in a barn. Well, times change and this time I see him at the singles branch I attend and I did something really dumb.
I’m just about to leave the singles branch and as I’m doing so I see JT walking into the room with this girl. Now while I was on my mission JT got married to this girl he met in Hawaii. I look at this girl and I think to myself, “Hey, there’s JT. Oh yeah, he got married while I was on my mission. This must be the girl. She looks really familiar but maybe she went to Hawaii while I was gone and this is her, his new wife. Well, he’s walking in with her so it has to be.” I say hi to him exchange some pleasantries and then I start moving toward the doors saying goodbye. Just as I’m leaving I pat his shoulder and say, “I can’t believe you got married.” He got this look of terror on his face and everyone with in hearing distance all of a sudden stop talking and you can hear the commotion, “What, you got married?” Of course all of the people that were in hearing distance were everyone from the Stake Presidency and Branch Presidency. All of these leadership people are those we know very well. So here I am, saying this in front of everyone and I look at JT and say, “Oh, did no one know about it?” He puts his fingers to his lips and says, “No longer, I’m no longer married.”
I was SO embarrassed. I just about died and I told him sorry so many times. I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid. But again in my defense I had no idea. So he told me what happened and turns out four months after he got married he was divorced. Apparently it was a Singles Ward thing where the wife decided she couldn’t live the gospel standards anymore. It was pretty bad.
So despite all of the things I learned on my mission there is no cure for stupidity in the face of ignorance. Which I’m full of.

My "Non" Date

Sounds kind of funny doesn't it, but it was what it was, a non date. There's this guy who I've known for a couple years. We had a strange and short courtship that ended with me wanting more and him wanting less. We remained peculiar friends, not ever really knowing how to be around one another. Shortly after, he introduced me to his best friend, who's name is James. It was a brief introduction and one that I didn't really think much of cause I didn't see him again for a long time after that.
Until of course I went to Riverside, California. Turns out this guy James was one Elder Holstein who had been called to serve in the CRM (California Riverside Mission) six months before I was. We again only spoke briefly to each other on several occasions. Then three months before I returned home I went back to Moreno Valley and Elder Holstein became my zone leader for six weeks. Funny how small the world is. He returned home but this time I had a feeling I would be seeing him again. Sure enough a couple weeks after I returned home our mutual friend came up to me and said, "James is coming to visit."
I was pretty excited to see him. To see someone familiar from my mission. Holstein is a cool guy but seems to like staying in the background. Doesn't really make himself a spectacle so when I saw him for the first time since he left it was funny to see him jump out of my sight almost like he was afraid to see me. I got invited to go over to their house and we played some games and got to catch up on some things.
Knowing he would be spending the day alone the following day I asked him if he wanted to do anything. I could take him around and help him get things done if he needed it. He said sure and we ended up spending the whole day together.
That night there was a Luau for the Institute. It was fun but after only being there for 45 minutes I was ready to leave. I don't know what it is but I don't like going to social events unless I have some sort of purpose in being there. My best friend Katie and her husband David showed and up and saved me by asking if I wanted to go see chronicle of Narnia. It was perfect but I also knew James would be hanging out at home by himself because our mutual friend, who's name is Dallas, was planning on going over to a young lady's house and basically ditching his friend who traveled several states away to see him. So I asked James to come with us. He did and...Well...lol...it was cool. It was lots of fun and we laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Poor James though was pretty much just caught up in all of our madness, but the movie was AWESOME. He was glad he came but still my friends are a little nuts.
So that was my non date. And it was with an elder from my mission. It was a cool weird type of thing.

Racketball anyone?

So I decided to do three things when I got home. Play tennis, volleyball, and golf. The tennis and golf is so my dad and I could have some fun bonding activities we could do together. My dad is a huge sports nut. In high school he played every sport you could think of, tennis being one of them. I asked him a couple days ago if we could play tennis together and he said, "Well, what about racketball?"
They're almost the same right? So this morning we got up and went to the rec center where we have a membership. I found out that my dad hasn't been to the rec center since October of last year. :) Though a sports nut he has gotten really busy over the years, what with raising kids and all and he hasn't kept in much shape. Hopefully that will change. As you can see by my red round face we worked up a good sweat. Not to soft but not to hard either, just perfect for both of us.
I realized that to keep a friendship alive and well you have to nurture it and that is the point of me doing this with my dad. Not to mention it's just plain fun to hit a ball around and "accidently" hit the ball in the middle of my dad's back (It was an accident actually, I'm not that good. It was only my first try)(first try playing racketball, not hitting my dad in the back). So not only does my body feel good from running after a little blue ball, but my heart feels good to knowing that my dad and I are building a friendship.

China Folding Screen

Two years ago when I moved home to get ready for my mission I moved into a room that's downstairs and diagonally across the hall from my parents room. It had just been remodeled. It's previous occupants were my brothers Frenchie and Angel. These two did a number on this room. They had several knives, bb guns, their fists, and other such things and because of all these toys we had to gut the whole room. We even had to replace the door jam. Which is why my current door is a Chinese Folding Screen. For a while it was coupled with a baby gate, but after a week or so of hurtling that thing several times a day I decided there was no real use for it and I removed it.
You'd think it would just be easier if we went and bought a door but you see our home is old. The doors now a days are too big for our door jams so we have to specially order them. My door has been ordered but is not finished yet. So for now, I'm stuck with the Chinese folding screen.

I went out with the sisters yesterday. It felt so good to be doing missionary work. We had a really good lesson, the spirit was there, our sisters are really good missionaries. You can feel the power that they carry. Something that I've learned since I've been home is my need to reach out to my Heavenly Father and search for those spiritual experiences. When you are a missionary it's with you 24/7. Sure you still have to work for it, but your whole life is dedicated to doing just that. There is no rest when it comes to that. So when I came home I knew things would be different and I've realized that now that I've been so blessed with spiritual experience up the wazoo I now get the opportunity to seek them out myself. Who says I can't have a spiritual experience every single day? Even every hour? I can, if I'm looking for it. The sisters came over to my house afterwards to have dinner and they made me feel really good by telling my parents that I helped teach a really good lesson with them.
I kept telling them if they need anything to just let us know. As they were leaving they said, "If there is anything you need let us know." Usually when people say that too me I have nothing to say back but this time I did, "The best thing you can do for me right now is give me every opportunity to go out with you guys." It was agreed and I got to end my day very happily.
Things are different, but I know my Heavenly Father loves me and he wants me to be happy. He wants me to feel of His spirit. He also wants me to succeed and my family to succeed. So I know that I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be just fine.

Life for the last two weeks

My parents remind me of the Tongan people. They are very giving. If you express an appreciation for something they own, even with the simplest of words as, "I like that necklace," they will promptly give it to you, no questions asked. My parents are the same way. If I say, "I'm thinking I would like to buy a new mattress mine hurts my body." The next thing I know I return 18 months later and I have not only a new mattress, but a new box spring, and a memory foam pad to go on top of the beautiful expensive mattress. All of which are two big for my bed frame, so now I have to buy a new bed frame. But I don't have room because my room is too small. I love my parents dearly. They are so worried about me coming home and not liking it here. As I was sharing some experiences with her about my growth and understanding concerning dating I started to relate to her how a Brazilian friend had helped me with that. She immediately started telling me, "You are not moving to Brazil, if you do..." I cut her off before she could say any more. I told her there was no way I could live outside the country. I just couldn't. I continued to express other things I learned on my mission. About ten minutes later she said again out of no where, "Please don't move to Brazil." I was driving so I couldn't look at her for longer then a second but for that second I saw in her face and heard in the tone of her voice fear. The idea of me leaving again terrifies her. It breaks my heart. I don't know why really why it hurts me so to see her like this. She gives me these looks like I'm going to up a leave because things aren't going the way I want it to.
My mom has spent years overcoming this urge to find acceptance from her father. A man that is...not the greatest of people. Won't go into much more detail then that. But I think she has mostly released herself from that urge, but she might have placed on her kids now. Especially those who she is very close to. Meaning me and my brother Frenchie. I'm going to code name my family too ;) So that is my biggest worry right now. My mom is wonderful and wants nothing but the best for me and she tries so hard to make up for the things she lacks in. Hopefully over the next couple months she will calm down and realize that I don't think my family is totally apostate and that I'm not going to up and leave the country any time soon. So anyway, back to my last two weeks. This other picture is to show what I have been doing with my time for the last two weeks. Organizing my room. When I came home I realized that even though I had gotten rid of a lot of my stuff from my mission I still had no place to put it in my room. Without my faithful Sister Planner around to keep me straight I've been at a lose for ideas on what to do with all my junk. So that's life for right now. Keeping busy and having fun.