At the Death Bed Of a Loved One...

When I was in junior high I started reading these books by Lurelene McDaniel about people with life altering medical conditions. Though my affair with these sort of books was short lived some how I came across a book about a girl in a hospice home. I forget the name of the book and I'm not sure if McDaniel even wrote it but I read it the same time I discovered McDaniel and it had the same flavor as her writing. Hospice was a foreign idea to me and even after reading that book I never needed an opportunity to think about it again but the one thing I took from that book was hospice is where sick people go to die comfortably.

Two weeks ago I joined my mom, dad, and grandfather at the hospital to discuss hospice care for my dad's mom who has been battling her third round of cancer for the last nine years.

I've known this was coming. We all did but there was plenty of denial. I guess we just all expected her to die suddenly instead of having to prepare for it head on and make arrangements for her comfort until the inevitable happens.

About the same time I came home from my mission my parents remodeled the house so it had an apartment attached to it. The garage got expanded to a two bedroom (with a walk in closet but really it's big enough to be a small bedroom), two bathroom, with another room for storage, complete with a full kitchen and living room apartment. I think the smallest part of the apartment is the dining area which fits a table of four. It's rather large for an apartment but it was designed to be a place for our disabled elderly.

When hospice was brought up we didn't think nursing home. That's not how we think in this family. We thought of the apartment and knew this was the best thing we could do for my grandparents. We all knew Grandpa couldn't take care of her the way she needs and now she has lots of family close by to assist in her every need.

It hasn't been easy for any of us. Especially my grandma and mom. Though service has never been a problem for my mom the magnitude of what's involved in hospice care was slightly overwhelming at first. But after a schedule was made and portions of the day assigned to different members of the family it has become a fluid process.

I arrive in the mornings Tuesday - Friday to give my parents a break and to spend time with Grandma. I enjoy being with her and helping her. It's hard to describe how it feels to take care of her. Service and charity are not new things to me but these feeling of service and charity...the love...that is new. It's a constant companion not unlike what I felt serving on a mission.

I know it's hard for Grandma to not be in her home, in her bed. Needing to rely on others for the barest of needs. She struggles and feels weak. I hurt for her and want her to be happy. Even though I find so much joy in serving her, more than anything I want her to feel less helpless. I wish I knew how.